Before my trusty sidekick, Dr. Jonas Von, interrupts me with his annoying points of view on copyright infringement, let me beat him to the punch. In relation to Marvel Comics, and their character Asbestos Man and Asbestos Lady, I just wanted to point out that I know they exist, but my rebuttal is like six-fold. First, The Asbestos Creature I am informing you about has an entirely different name. It doesn’t use cisgender terms, as The Asbestos Creature is non-binary and is just covered in Asbestos. It doesn’t even have genitalia. Third, The Asbestos Creature is not a villain and is a weapon in our fight against the Narcissist army. And I had three more valid points, but I forgot them.
So what is The Asbestos Creature Weapon? Great Question!
Like Superman and Kryptonite, a Narcissist also has a mega-super weakness, and that old ball and chain is called Asbestos, as previously discussed in another post. A quick note on Asbestos, it was once used by home builders as cheap insulation, but then people found out it gave you cancer and bad shit like that. Sorry about having to explain things and interrupting the flow but my editor said I had to do it. Now back to why you’re here. Finding Asbestos and throwing it at a Narcissist, or putting it in their drinks like I was a douchebag at a club isn’t effective for some reason. However, it was discovered that if an Asbestos Creature hugged a Narcissist, then the Narcissist would be changed back into a regular person like you and me. This is easier said than done as finding an Asbestos Creature takes a little bit of work.
First things first, I just want to point out that there’s more than one Asbestos Creature in the world, so many of us can summon them when needed. Ok, now you’ll need to seek out a Voodoo Master, which isn’t easy to find as there are lots of fakes out there, like Barrack ‘Barry Hussein’ Obama(Major Narcissist). The best Voodoo Master I know is a guy named Charles Wright, and he’s the Owner/Manager of a strip club in Las Vegas called Cheetahs. He’s a real cool dude who also happens to know the in’s and out’s of black magic. When I need him, I’ll meet him out at the Asbestos Mines of the Sierra Nevadas or in a private booth at his club, and Charles will do his whole super cool ceremony, with dancing and speaking in unknown tongues that sound like gibberish. Soon after some smoke will appear, and then I’ll give him like 40 bucks, and then a loud rumbling happens, and poof, out of nowhere, The Asbestos Creature magically appears.
I know this all sounds too crazy to believe, but it’s all true, and it works. And then I whisper into the ear of The Asbestos Creature ‘I Love You,’ and from that point on, The Asbestos Creature will do anything I ask because all it ever wanted in life was to be loved and now they’re loyal to you forever.
So how does the Asbestos Creature Weapon work? Again, Great Question!
During the great war, The Asbestos Creature works best when you’re in a real bonafide jam. Like if you are surrounded by a gaggle of Narcissists, which is a low self-esteem emergency situation where one of the Narcissists most likely wants to use your hands to slap your own face, but fear not, you have The Asbestos Creature who loves you at your side. And one by one, The Asbestos Creature will hug each one of these egotistical fucks, and by doing so, squeezes out their asbestos carcinogens through their skin, like a Herpes attack, until it hits the Narcissists inner child and penetrates all of their insecurities. This loving, yet violent act, will leave the Narcissist in the fetal position, crying like the small child they really are. At this point, these individuals have shown their vulnerabilities and are ready to be rebuilt from the ground up without the need for their learned narcissistic characteristics.
It’s like we’re using cancer as the cure. I know that sounds fucked up, but it’s true, and it works. Ever heard of the Dalai Lama? The guy was a complete asshole who thought he was king shit in the 1970’s because, under the pseudonym Dr. Spencer Silver, he invented Post-It Notes. Fast forward to The Asbestos Creature giving him a hug, and now he’s like the best fucking person in the world. He’s like super good at Donkey Kong too.
So yeah, The Asbestos Creature is a perfect weapon to have, as it helps you fight the good fight when you need another set of hands, even though, in the back of your mind, you could have fought off all the narcissists in the world by yourself because you’re just super awesome at butt kicking.
Last thing. Fuck Bill Cosby.
Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.