The Ego Stroker. An efficient killing weapon for all Narcissist situations. Excellent in one on one combat but can also be deployed in mass narcissist swarms. For example, a function where all of your parent’s friends are invited. Like your niece’s Bat Mitzvah or your father’s retirement party. It’s like the movie Titanic, but instead of icebergs and dead bodies floating in the cold water everywhere, it’s narcissists, and they are impossible to avoid. You can try avoiding eye contact with them for awhile, but they’ll get your attention somehow.
Usually, it’s while you’re getting food from the buffet, or if you’re still allowed to drink anymore, they’ll sidle you at the bar. They’ll say ‘haven’t seen you in a really long time?’ and ‘what’s up with you?’ However, it’s not because they want to know. It’s just a way to measure their kids up to you. They’re waiting to tell you about what their super duper amazing son’s been doing. ‘Johnny just passed the bar exam last week.’ Please!!! I saw your son at a party last month, and he was doing massive amounts of cocaine by himself in the kitchen, while everyone else was playing Settlers of Catan in the backyard. Then he came outside and called us all nerds. So yeah, I’m sure his lawyering is going ridiculously well Mr. and Mrs. Feinberg. Real well. Your son’s amazing. But I don’t say that as I know better now. I’m fucking Chad the Impaler.
I got really outraged there. Sorry. I haven’t eaten in like 6 hours cause I’m following this super healthy diet that the Dali Lama recommended. I’m healthy now, but I’m just really irritable lately. My trusty sidekick Dr. Jonas Van can back me up on that.
Real Conversation Right Now with my trusty sidekick Dr. Jonas Van
Me: Look at all these narcissists! I’m gonna destroy them!!! Hard!!!
Dr. Jonas Van: You seem irritable. Have you eaten lately?
Me: No time to eat, Doc. I’m making mincemeat out of their patronizing medulla oblongatas.
Dr. Jonas Van: Did you just look medulla oblongata up on Wikipedia?
Me: No!!! This conversation’s over.
Real Conversation Right Now with my non-trusty sidekick Dr. Jonas Van – Over
Someone isn’t getting their hourly wage this week, so let’s just get to the overview of The Ego Stroker.
To catch a killer, you must think like a killer. A narcissist killer!
Dr. Jonas Van: Nice setup!
Someone just got hired back.
If you’re able to understand how a narcissist’s mind works, you can use their weaknesses and strengths to get what you want from them. For example, when you’re back at your dad’s retirement party, and Marvin Goldman sidle’s you while you’re eating a Thai Chicken skewer at the buffet table, before Marvin can get a word out of his mouth, you let him feel admired. Say something like, ‘Hi, Mr. Goldman, thank you for getting me that napkin to wipe the peanut sauce off my shirt. So kind of you. You’re really kind these days I see. I hear you donated to the local library and they’ll be naming the reading center after you. What else have you been doing? Tell me more.’ Now, after you deploy this weapon, exactly like in the example, and that’s an example, not real life, by the way, you will have the narcissist eating out of the palm of your hand.
Make them feel “better” than everyone. Make them your hero. Then let the lavish compliments flow. And at least for the moment, it will be a good way to get what you want from them. In the above fake example, the next move I’d make would be to cut the conversation short by saying I have to go to the bathroom. Since Marvin Goldman already trusts me, he won’t suspect anything, and I’ve avoided any patronizing or sizing up comparisons.
Dr. Jonas Van: Superb explanation.
Me: Thank you, kind sir. Thank you.
And that’s The Ego Stroker for you. Solid weapon all around.
Summary & Real Picture
Stroke the ego. Gain the trust. Get what you want.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.