This was once one of my most feared obstacles before I became the Narcissist Slayer that I am today. Why you may ask? Because at one time I weighed 350 pounds and that wasn’t because I had a glandular problem, it was because I was eating my feelings twenty-five hours a day. Some kids at school used to call me Fatty Patty, as in a burger patty, and they’d beat me up pretty good cause I wasn’t the most agile child in the world. They were Narcissists of course, and they’re on a very long list of people that I will revisit once this war is in full swing. I have a grand plan for those two. A very grand plan.
However, physical exercise isn’t about beating the living brains out of people’s heads with your bare fists with one punch. I mean, that’s part of it all, but the real Peanut Butter and Raspberry Jam Sandwich with Sugary Banana Slices are the actual benefits you get from physical exercise and how it helps you clear your mind. Who the fuck knew that exercise could actually make you smarter? I refused to believe it, and then one day when I was running after the Ice Cream Truck for like a whole six blocks, I got this euphoric feeling in my brain, and when I told Dr. Jonas Van about it, he told me that it was endorphins releasing in my system caused by my mistaken exercise.
After that conversation with the doc, I started chasing more food oriented vehicles. My favorite was the taco truck because the guy was a big horror fan and would only play theme songs from the coolest slasher pics of all time. The best one being Scream. I fucking love Scream. I’d run after that taco truck forever as the music pumped me up big time. Which leads me to exercise number one.
Didn’t I just cover that? Well, find something you love and chase it, but make it something you can never catch. It can be any type of food truck like stated above. Maybe you’re obsessed with some person of the opposite sex, and they’re not a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist, so chase away. And by chasing, we mean running inconspicuously in their vicinity while they’re running too, but like far away as to not be seen, and then hiding behind trees or cars when they look back because they’re suspicious that some deranged killer might be following them. Or you can just let your cat out your door and then you have to run all day to try and find that asshole and most likely you’ll find it eating some dead bird somewhere. Just so you know, I don’t have a cat as they’ll eat you if you’re dead. They’re pretty much the narcissists of domesticated animals as proven by their presence all over social media and the internet these days.
I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck is stretching? Don’t worry; I thought the same thing too. However, when you’re on the ground, and a narcissist is above you, and it’s using your own hands to slap your own face, and they’re constantly asking you “Why are you slapping yourself? Why are you slapping yourself?” You’re going to wish the fuck out of life that you did your proper stretches and had enough capability to hook your leg over them after they blindsided you, MICHAEL THOMSON, separate their body, and with the other leg, kick them in the balls so hard that their testicles explode on contact, and semen flies everywhere, but not on you, but on all his friends that are cheering him on, and his dad, and his evil sister Margaret. Fucking Margaret… The Eva Braun of the bunch.
Jeet Kune Do
This is a form of martial art created by the greatest person to ever live, BRUCE MOTHERFUCKING LEE. It’s the art of fighting without fighting, and you can kick narcissists’ ass all day long with this shit. You see, narcissists’ are like rats, and they’re everywhere. Like rats, they’ve adapted to society, and continue to thrive, so we need a martial art philosophy that is all about adaptability, and that’s what this is all about. If we’re going to win this war, we need to be adaptable. And yes, there are kicks and punches in this technique, and they’ll make narcissist eyeballs fly out of their faces, and then you can either stomp on them or kick them like soccer balls everywhere just for fun. To quote the Mighty Bruce Lee, “Be water, my friend.”
This is a no brainer. We need our arms super pumped, and we don’t believe in using weights because weights are for steroid junkies and alpha male loser narcissists. I can do 300 in a row without the need for a break. How many can you do? Don’t you have a lot of catching up to do!
Inner Anus/Colon Muscle Stretches
I know what you’re thinking, and it’s true, I am a master of my colon and said things that are linked to my colon, like my sphincter and my anus.
REAL CONVERSATION WITH DR. JONAS VON
Dr. Jonas Von: Are you going to tell them the back story about when you didn’t have control of your Inner Anus/Colon Muscles?
Me: SHUT UP!
REAL CONVERSATION WITH DR. JONAS VON OVER
Don’t listen to the doctor. The only backstory you need here is how this exercise helps neutralize a Narcissist in their tracks as you plant stink bombs, aka, nasty smelling farts at will. (More on these stink bombs can be found in the weapons section, and more on the fuel for said stink bombs can be found in the diet section.) This exercise is pretty simple, as all you need to do is contract your sphincter muscles continuously for about 15 minutes a day, and in no time you’ll be able to launch bombs like a B-52.
Yeah, this new age bullshit made it onto our exercise list. You gotta problem with that? We need our body to be calm during this war, so we need to focus on our breath. Yoga not only calms you down so your mind can do its thing, like using reverse psychology on the narcissist, it also helps your body stretch and makes all your muscles stronger too. Trust me, at one point, you’ll need to balance on your head, or lift yourself up from your fingertips, or hold your feet from behind your back while you’re on your stomach as you rock back and forth to get momentum to knock a chair into a side table to knock keys off from it so you can unlock a door while the narcissist you drugged still sleeps without IT waking up. So yeah, do your fucking Yoga people. This shit works and your thighs will be so strong that you can suffocate your prey with them, just like in the James Bond masterpiece, Goldeneye. Famke Janssen bitches!!
So that’s it for physical exercises right now. If I think of anything else, I’ll let you know. Until then, Namaste.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.