Having a rock solid Poker Face can get you through a lot of obstacles in life. Like on the day you were about to break up with your girlfriend, like, two seconds right before you were going to do it, and she tells you that she’s pregnant with your baby and that there’s no way she’s having an abortion because it’s against her religion(so was pre-marital sex), but you still supported her all the way up to the point when she revealed that it wasn’t even your baby. Or that time you went to some criminal dudes house, and he wanted to buy some weed, so you sold him some primo oregano. And then you hoped to fuck that he didn’t notice before you and your poker face left his place, so you could take the money and follow Pantera on a cross-country tour.
The Poker Face truly is a handy tool to have in your arsenal, and you’ll most definitely need it in your future battles, especially when deploying ‘The Emotionless Shield.’ Below are my three favorite ways of learning/practicing the Poker Face so you can become a pro like me.
Third Eye Meditation
This one is a Bruce Lee special as he was even more Zen than the Dalai Lama, except he could explode your face with one twitch of his eyebrow. Now I know what you’re thinking. What’s a Third Eye, Chad? Great question! The third eye symbolizes a higher state of consciousness through which you can perceive the world, and you can access it by using traditional meditation techniques. You’ll be able to gain a deeper, more enlightened understanding of yourself and the universe around you.
Dr. Jonas Van: That last bit sounds like you pasted it from somewhere on the internet.
Me: I’m gonna paste you somewhere on the internet! Who cares?!
Dr. Jonas Van: Copyright Lawyers.
Me: Fuck Copyright and Fuck Lawyers.
Dr. Jonas Van: You’re not going to feel that way when someone copies this post.
Me: Damnit! You have a point.
Before Dr. Jonas Van rudely interrupted, I was talking about the Third Eye, and just so you know, it’s invisible. Yeah, you can’t see it, but it’s located above the bridge of your nose and between your two eyes. Next, find a nice and comfy place to sit and make sure you have a proper cross-legged posture. Then with your Third Eye, concentrate on an object and project it so you can fully visualize it. And finally, let all your other thoughts fall away. If your mind wanders focus on your breath, by saying breath, to get you back to focusing on your Third Eye. Practice this every day and calmness will never be so simple.
I’m sure you’re wondering how does that help me with my poker face? And I’ll respond by telling you to shut the fuck up until I’m done cause I didn’t say I was done yet, did I?
What group of people may be the most narcissistic in the whole entire world? Fucking actors! They think they’re king shit. Yes, this is a generalization, but 96% of them are narcissists, like Kevin Spacey, Danny Masterson, Steven Segal, Louis CK, and James Franco. What a nasty group of guys right there. FYI, Bruce Lee was most certainly not a narcissist. In fact, he kicked tons of their butts back in the day.
Acting/Improv lessons are massively valuable for building your imagination, creating a character, staying in character, and thinking quickly on your feet. If you’re able to expand your imagination, then you’ll be able to employ the Third Eye Mediation to a greater degree by immersing yourself fully into the image that you’ve created. The more you’re in that world, the more your own reality won’t come into play. On top of that, if you create a character that’s not you, then that character doesn’t have the same weakness’ as you. This means you won’t get triggered as long as you stay in character. And if something throws you off for one second, you’ll be able to improvise, which is just like getting your breath back in the Third Eye Mediation, and you’ll be able to get your character back on track.
Way easier said than done, so practice like your life depends on it because it does. And don’t go to a shitty acting teacher either, like the one on Denton Street, right next to the Dunkin Donuts. That guy Donny is a full con artist who never even graduated from the 8th Grade. Instead, go to that Actors School that hosts Inside The Actors Studio. I hear it’s expensive, but I’m sure it’s so worth it.
Playing Actual Poker
Before you test out your new found skill in the great war, you need a place to practice your poker face, and what better venue than where the name actually came from. D’uh!!!
Most gamblers resemble narcissists and want to mentally beat you down and tell you about all of their wins and make themselves feel great at your expense, like my friend Paul. However, a good chunk of them, like Paul, are the furthest thing from narcissists and they’re just really insecure people with terrible addiction problems, who most likely cry themselves to sleep at night. FYI, Paul replaced his pillow with a giant sponge recently just to soak up all his tears. And Paul, if you’re reading this, you still owe me the 100 bucks I lent you last year, and I know you’re embarrassed for gambling it away, which is why you’re now avoiding me. But I still love you (like a friend), and I just want you to get some help.
Dr. Jonas Van: You’re just hoping he gets better to get your money back, aren’t you?
Me: Do you really think this little of me?
I went off there again. Now back to practicing the poker face. When sitting at the table, get into character. Be confident but in a silent way. Feel the strength move through your body. Then access your Third Eye and visualize something that will keep you laser focused. I like to visualize my pet Chinchilla, Janine, as she has a quiet strength about her that’s quite inspirational. Then while I’m in this focused state, I relax my face, I’ll sometimes make eye contact with others while keeping my Third Eye concentration on Janine, blink a little when needed, keep my lips together, and if need be, I’ll put sunglasses on if I feel my energy level is waning. Specifically, I wear Vaurnet Sunglasses so everyone knows that I’m not just cool, I’m France Type Cool.
So to sum it all up. Practice, Practice, Practice!!!! Play in as many games as you can find. Low stakes ones of course, as we don’t want you to get a gambling problem like Paul, whom I do love dearly (like a friend) even though he does owe me 100 bucks….. with interest.
Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.