The Narcissist Combat Handbook: Narcissist Strengths

Posted by Chad The Impaler | Jun 29, 2018 | Narcissist Combat Handbook, Self Esteem | 0 |

A narcissist has many strengths aka superpowers (evil superpowers) and in the great war, we must be ready for the full onslaught at any given time. So to defend ourselves, we first must know what these cheeky bastards are capable of, so here’s a quick list that I’ve compiled over my lifetime of reconnaissance missions on your behalf. There’s no need to thank me now for this information, but when all is said and done, and we are partying it up in Zion together, you can thank me then. Thanks are very much appreciated with handshakes and hugs, depending on my perceived level of your cleanliness, or by monetary donation, cash preferred and none of that cryptocurrency bullshit.

Now here’s the list.


Narcissists always have a right-hand person or people(I’m a feminist), like a high lieutenant or even groups of people who follow their every word like the gospel. These people are under the narcissist spell, and it doesn’t matter how much sense you try to talk into them, their undying support of the narcissist is frustratingly unflinching. In a strange way, it’s honorable but yet so misguided. These followers will do a lot of the dirty work for the narcissist, and even though I hate them, I will admit they’re fantastic at spying and tattle tailing. That’s why you must always keep yourself quite guarded around these people, as they’re taking notes with their eyes, waiting for you to slip up in any way so they can report back to their leader. They’re also superlative at ganging up on you. It’s like a herd mentality of shaming. I’m specifically calling out, John Torres, Cory Bowles, and Jamie Diamond, who said they saw me jerking off through the bathroom stall at school one day and then told Dylan Johnson, and then they spread that rumour to everyone in the school during student council president elections, in which I lost, because their powers were just too great to overcome. And also, I was not jerking off in the bathroom stall, I was just making sure that there was no dribble, so I wouldn’t piss all over myself by sticking my pee-pee back in my pants too soon. I know all you guys have been in my spot many times before and it’s a terrible feeling knowing you just pissed yourself by rushing your junk back into your pants before your hall pass expired. So yeah, all four of these guys are on a short list by the way, so they better watch out for this guy come battle time.

In a 2015 and beyond sidenote, Social Media followers may not know the narcissist very well at all, but are oggling them with envy from across the digital spectrum and will do anything to get a narcissists attention in the comment section. So they’ll defend and fight for any sort of attention to feed their needs due to low self-esteem. They folks are easily turned to the dark side, and with the power of social media, you can see why I’m so concerned for the future of mankind. Ahem. Donald Trump. Ahem.

Lack of Empathy

Most people would think that having zero empathy wouldn’t be a strength for anyone. But for a narcissist, it’s possibly their greatest strength of all. How do you fuck with someone who doesn’t understand how to give one fuck about how you’re feeling? All of the narcissist decisions will be based solely on their needs and wants. And that’s because narcissists believe they own and possess others as objects, and if others don’t exist in their own right then they can’t possibly have feelings and needs that are separate from the narcissist’s control. TAKE A BIT OF TIME TO TAKE ALL THAT IN IF NEED BE. I’LL WAIT.

For example, there was a time when the man I’m supposed to call father clearly didn’t understand why I’d be afraid of bees (i’m allergic) and he took me to a honey farm he recently invested in and couldn’t fathom why I was scared shitless and crying while he was not. And yes, I did end up in the emergency room looking like a disfigured blow up doll. And yes, my so-called father and my narcissist asshole siblings didn’t even bother to come visit me in my 4-day stay, but they loved making fun of how I looked when I got home. THOSE FUCKERS! There will be a special place in hell, and in my revenge, for this crew…….and I can’t wait for that day to be upon us.


Narcissists are born to be competitive. I’m sure if narcissist twins were being born, they’d probably race each other to see who could get out of the womb first, not giving a rats ass how badly they’ll stretch their mother’s vagina, or even worse, kill her.

Narcissists will say and do anything to get an advantage, and that means, your self-esteem and self-worth are on the table for them to destroy by any means necessary. And they’ll do anything to throw you off your game, and if it’s a team sport, they’ll do anything to motivate their teammates beyond what they’d ever thought they were capable of doing(Nazis). And that’s even if the motivator is all based on lies too, like that bonus I was supposed to get for hitting my sales quota at Tony’s BBQ Emporium. Fuck you, Tony. Fahhack…

And now for a movie scene from a real moment in my life that’s applicable to this category.

Narcissist At A Hot Dog Eating Contest In 2006: Good Luck, you fat fuck!
Me: No words are spoken as I’m just shattered inside by reliving all the times my family commented on my weight which led to my anorexia issues, low self-esteem, and depression.

Then while I stared off into the distance like the 1000 yard stare of PTSD, everyone else  started eating when the start signal of the Giant Pig Horn was sounded. I came in last while that Narcissist Dick won with ease. 

That was the last time I ever entered an eating contest as this event sent me back one whole year emotionally. It’s actually hard to relive right now, but I do take solace in the fact that I saw this asshole outside of Barnes and Noble one day, and I keyed his car by writing ‘Cheating Bastard’ accompanied with a drawing a small dick on the driver’s side door for everyone to see and It felt really good too. Whoever said revenge felt empty quite frankly didn’t do it right. I also wiped dog shit on all his door handles. Fucking loser.


Even if you hate a narcissist with all your passion, somehow they have this weird charisma that makes you find their treatment of you tolerable. It’s kinda like a Jedi Mind Trick. It’s like if someone shat on, which fucking sucks if you’ve ever been shat on without giving permission before, and then having the person that shat on you, help you wipe it off, thus giving you the impression that they care about you. But make no mistake, they don’t fucking care, THEY JUST SHAT ON YOU! And now you just let them get away with it, and then you went out after and bought them a whole large bucket of chicken wings with fries and extra blue cheese sauce. I mean, how the fuck did Pauline get me to do that? If that’s not charming, I don’t know what is, and it’s fucking evil. Real evil. I’m so stupid sometimes.

Mind Reading Alteration

You won’t find this one on most websites or in any books and especially in any university psychology courses. But it’s all so very true. When you find a super narcissist, they can read your minds much like Professor X in the X-Men, but the big difference is the Narcissist will most likely be able to walk based on statistics and probability, and Professor X cannot. However, just like Professor X, all the super narcissist has to do is think about you and they can infiltrate your brain with ease.

So Mind Reading Alteration applies to social media big time, and it’s an easy way for narcissists to control all their followers. I don’t know exactly how it works, but when I was once on Instagram, and this narcissist I was following, Dan Bilzerian, whom I hate, kept on shooting guns in every post, and then all of a sudden I thought shooting guns seemed really cool. Yet, did I really think guns were cool? I mean, I fucking hate guns. Wait no, I fucking love guns…………..

No, I love Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee doesn’t need guns. It’s just so confusing.

Must….. get….. off….. social…. media…. right…. now….. So….. evil…..

Laser Beam X-Ray Eyes

Unlike m=Mind Reading Alteration, Laser Beam X-Ray Eyes is quite a well-known strength of the narcissist and its use, even though seldom seen, can cause instant death. Cyclops, also from the X Men, was the most famous Narcissist who flaunted this strength, and he was a huge dick too. However, the coolest dude of all time, Wolverine, hated Cyclops with a passion and couldn’t be killed by him, which totally rocked (This little tidbit won’t help you, but I just wanted to mention Wolverine because just mentioning him makes this post-1000 times more wicked).

But I digress, the laser beams from the narcissist are lethal and cannot just tear right through your body, but they also have X-ray vision capability too. And that comes in super handy for them, especially when they can see if you’re carrying a tracking device or weapons of mass destruction on your persons. So when we go on the attack at Facebook HQ’s in our great war, we will need those weapons if we hope to take down that fugly ginger, Mark Zuckerberg, and his 100 million plus Disciples of the Narcalypse. FYI, I have nothing against Fugly people or Gingers. I know this wasn’t politically correct, but I went for a cheap universal laugh statement that I’m currently regretting right now. I know I’m better than that, and I hope you can find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me.

I can’t guarantee it, but I’ll give it that old community college try.

Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!

If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.


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