The Overstaying Your Welcome Booty Call

Posted by Bobby Jenkins | Aug 14, 2018 | Bipolar Disorder, Bobby Jenkins: The Diary of a Bipolar Bear, Identity, Relationships | 0 |

Dear Diary,

I took for granted how comfortable a relationship can be. Anticipating each other’s snacks for the the Netflix & Chill series you already agreed on. Saying “we” when talking about plans like “we’re going to a wedding, we hated the new Spiderman”. 

I keep thinking about how you fracture your sense of external identity- including all nouns like people (friends), places (bars) and things (my favourite hoodie). And you start from scratch. Building up your rolodex and weekly plans to fill all those holes that were once filled by simply sitting next to each other on your phones. “What are you up to tonight?” Changes from “hanging out with Lee” to “nothing” which becomes boredom. That leads to grasping for plans, which can lead to desperate choices and reflecting on how comfortable you once were and missing it. Even though it was with a piece of shit incompatible bear that will never let you fuck them the way you FETISHIZE AND THEN THEY RELAPSE into EVERYTHING you knew they would like shitty behaviour and fucking around like a WHORE.

Whoa whoa. 

I need to scale back Diary I get triggered as fuck writing out my quiet thoughts. In my feelings, if you will. 

Last night when Kyle showed up at 4am after I got ditched by Javier I was sooo accommodating and grateful it was sinful. 

After surviving some light sex (read: violent) I got to thinking. Maybe you need to love someone a little if you’re fucking them without a safe word….

Then I tried to creep into the corner of my bed where he was sprawled all over and he clamped me into a little spoon (my nightmare cuddle position) on a hot evening with two sweaty bears. Then we did the thing where you try to match breathing and I almost DIED (it felt like). Matching breath is arguably more dangerous to my health than violent sex based on how much I kept gasping. Very unsexy.

And it all came rushing back to me in droves.

I was always the big spoon. He always fell asleep on me first, so we didn’t have to “match breath”. You can say “it’s too hot” to your bf without the rejection considerations. Or mutter “avocado” (my favourite safe word) when you realize you’ve been choked into a danger zone and he’s lost eye contact. THEN then next morning, I alwaysss leave to grab coffee. He needed an orientation “towel is here, this is my soap”. His phone was open to another bear’s Instagram ON MY PILLOW this morning. 

Like, night and day.

Then I couldn’t figure out how to initiate the “when are you leaving” convo. He kept saying “I have work soon” and 3 hours later and a fully paid breakfast I was still at a loss. And it got me reminiscing. And I think that’s just the tax of recovery from co-dependence, and I’m an out-patient at rehab.

If you want to read more of Bobby Jenkins Diary and Bipolar life, just click here!


If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.



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