Dun… Dun-un-un. Dun-un-un. Dun-un-un. The Mission: Impossible franchise has spanned three decades and five movies so far, somehow surviving Tom Cruise’s Scientology meltdown. There’s even a sixth film coming out later this year. With so much material available, you’d better bet your spy movie loving ass we’re going to take a look at Agent Hunt’s phobias… and also use this opportunity to poke fun at Tom Cruise.
Theologicophobia | Fear of a Single God, Gods, or Religion – Okay, so you knew I wasn’t going to be able to make it through this list without cracking at least one Scientology joke. Let’s get it out of the way early. There’s no doubt in my mind that Tom Cruise bows and trembles before the almighty Xenu.
Zemmiphobia | Fear of the “Great Mole Rat” – Finally, after all this time, I’ve found an excuse to write about the Great Mole Rat! Ethan is afraid of a mole that also happens to be a rat, even if it’s in the metaphorical sense. After everyone on his team is murdered, Ethan is suspected of being the mole. Spoiler Alert: It’s actually Phelps…..In my family, we call my Uncle Rick the “Great Mole Rat” and you’ll need to read my previous Top 1o Lists to find out why. He’s a disturbed individual to say the least.
Caligynephobia | Fear of Beautiful Women – Gotta love the 90’s action movie trope of the hot chick trying to kill the hero (can you hear the sarcasm dripping from that sentence?). In MI:I, Claire wants Hunt dead…..In real life, I am this beautiful woman and all my Ex’s are now on notice. Booyah!
Mysophobia | Fear of Contamination and Germs – The entire plot of MI:II is about stopping a horrific biological weapon called Chimera from wiping out humanity. If that’s not a horrifying way to die, I don’t know what is…….Oh wait, my Uncle Rick would know.
Russophobia | Fear of Russians – I know what you’re thinking. Another Russophobia post? Don’t blame me; blame the writers who insist on creating these lazy caricatures of the evil Russian doctor/spy/janitor/beekeeper for, like, every action movie ever. In MI:II? It’s Evil Russian Doctor Vladimir Nekhorvich who’s scaring the pants off of our hero. And Ghost Protocol is essentially all about Russians fucking up Hunt’s life……Sidenote…I’m part Russian….Muahahaha.
Philophobia | Fear of Falling in Love – You know what always keeps the loved ones in action movies safe? When the main character lies about what their real job is! In MI:III, we learn that Hunt is engaged to a nurse, Julia, who has no idea what he actually does for a living. She’s kidnapped (I know; shocking!), and barely makes it out alive. Maybe if he’d just trusted her to handle the truth, it would have never happened……This is like all my Ex’s and when Cops show up at my door.
Chronophobia | Fear of Time – What’s a good spy movie without a race against the clock? Hunt is always up against time, and we wonder how he even manages to keep his hands steady at this point…..Me? I fear doing more time in jail due to my Ex’s.
Nucleomitophobia | Fear of Nuclear Weapons – In Ghost Protocol, Hunt is tasked with stopping a nuclear war between the United States and Russia. Imagine having that on your shoulders…..Speaking of shoulders, mine look really hot right now coz I’ve been working out…..So I can beat up all my Ex’s.
Acrophobia | Fear of Heights – In Ghost Protocol, Hunt has to scale the outside of Dubai’s Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. When his zip line isn’t long enough to re-enter the building, he has to jump and just barely escapes plunging to his death…..If I had to go, it definitely wouldn’t be zip lining. LOSER!
Anuptaphobia | Fear of Staying Single – Poor Ethan. He finally finds the love of his life, and she ends up having to fake her own death. He probably hasn’t seen her in over a decade. Why risk having a relationship in the first place if you’re an IMF agent? Severe Anuptaphobia! I wonder, will Julia appear in Fallout? That could be an interesting twist that forces Hunt to confront his Anuptaphobia……Fucking Men!!
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.
Photo Credit: Dick Thomas Johnson