I’m so excited about this list, guys. Why? Captain America is my favorite superhero. I mean, who doesn’t like a classic American hero who kicks Nazi ass? Ah, those were the days. Really, though, I think Steve is so relatable because he’s constantly an outsider who doesn’t fit in no matter what he does. First, he’s too small and wheezy to join the army. Then, he’s considered too valuable to home turf morale to participate in combat. And finally, he wakes up seventy years in the future to a world that continued on without him. Cap is a misfit no matter where he goes. It’s this that makes him relatable, and is also the basis for his many, many fears.
Atelophobia | Fear of Imperfection – Ol’ Stevie was essentially designed to be the perfect human. His abilities aren’t so much “super” as they are indicative of the height of human ability. Physically, at least, he’s pretty much perfect. But that wasn’t always the case. Steve was once a short, scrawny dude whose bad health made it impossible to join the army and fight Nazis…..Sounds like my exes, without the Meth.
Autophobia | Fear of Being Alone – When Steve’s body is discovered seventy years after it plummeted into an arctic tundra, scientists are able to bring him back. Unfortunately, because so much time has passed, he’s pretty much alone in the world. Even his former girlfriend, Peggy Carter, is old as fuck, and dies not long after they’re reunited…… Sadly, this is my dream life scenario.
Aviophobia | Fear of Flying – Come on, now. Steve was on his final mission! He was going to see his family and his girlie and sit down to a home-cooked pot roast dinner (or whatever they ate in the 1940s) for the first time in years! Unfortunately, the universe had other plans. I don’t know how Steve manages to keep flying……. Man, a plane I was on hit some bad turbulence that picked up the drink cart once, and now I’m convinced I’m going to die every time the plane shakes a little bit.
Logizomechanophobia | Fear of Computers – Have you ever seen an old person try to use a computer? It’s painful. My grandma literally doesn’t know how to use an address bar. Do you think Steve does? Imagine him learning how to use a smart phone for the first time….. Personally, I hate computers because it’s made my exes ability to stalk me too easy.
Apotemnophobia | Fear of Persons with Amputations – Steve’s best friend, Bucky Barnes, was brainwashed into the Winter Soldier, a one-armed HYDRA assassin who will stop at nothing to off Steve…..Sounds like my best friend Sarah, except she was brain washed by Scientology.
Myrmecophobia | Fear of Ants – When Cap meets Ant Man for the first time, Scott acts like an awkward fanboy. We wouldn’t blame Cap for being afraid that he’d be a detriment to their efforts……. I have no witty line for this one. My life of boozing is catching up with me.
Philophobia | Fear of Falling in Love – What if he ends up trapped in ice for another seventy years and finds the love of his life on her deathbed? I can’t imagine Steve wants to risk Cupid’s arrow again….. He should just follow my advice and stay closed off forever. Life is so much easier without feelings.
Peniaphobia | Fear of Poverty – Steve was the son of Irish immigrants during the Great Depression. He’s got one hell of a good reason for his peniaphobia…. I’ve got peniaphobia too, yet I’m still poor. How does that work?
Russophobia | Fear of Russians – HYDRA turned his best friend into a sleeper agent who responds to trigger words in Russian. Steve’s definitely got a bit of Russophobia going on……Don’t we all these days?
Pogonophobia | Fear of Beards – Now, I’d hate to jump to any conclusions here, but have you ever seen Steve Rogers with anything besides a clean-shaven face? I don’t want to say pognophobia, but… he might have pognophobia…..I hate beards! Have you ever looked at them up close? They look like you’re growing pubes on your face. Gross!
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.
Photo Credit: JD Hancock