There’s no denying that Kimmy Schmidt is the most optimistic and peppy badass to walk the face of the earth. Seriously… if I’d been shut in an underground bunker for ten years by a religious whackjob, I’d probably be crouched in a corner, sneering at anything that tried to come near me. But not Kimmy Schmidt. After being rescued, she made a new life for herself out of an eighth grade education and floral-print pants. Still, she’s got a few pink skeletons in her closet as you can’t live in a bunker for ten years and be completely well-adjusted. Here’s her Top Ten Phobias.
Achluophobia | Fear of Darkness – After being stuck underground for ten years, Kimmy and her fellow captives were called “mole women” by the rest of the world. If that’s not a reason to hate the darkness, I don’t know what is…..If someone called me a mole anything I would knife them.
Amaxophobia | Fear of Riding in a Car – The Reverend kidnapped her by throwing her in the back of his Rapist Van; of course she’s going to want to stay away from cars!……I’d stay away from Church too…..Who I am I kidding? I don’t go to church.
Asthenophobia | Fear of Weakness – The only reason Kimmy was able to survive in the bunker was by telling herself that she could withstand anything for ten seconds. As a result, she’s probably afraid of showing any weakness whatsoever. Maybe she compensates by being bubbly all the time?…..I stay alive by avoiding my feelings…..and drinking.
Cleisiophobia | Fear of Being Locked up in an Enclosed Space – Man, all these bunker-related fears really messed with Kimmy’s head. This is probably her biggest one. If I were her, which in some ways I am, that little closet would give me nightmares……but I’m feeling much better now. Thanks therapy!
Coprophobia | Fear of Feces – As a mole woman, Kimmy had to do her business in a “filth bucket.” Imagine not being able to flush anything away… Gross. This reminds me of my Uncle Rick and don’t ask as I may get sick just talking about it.
Deipnophobia | Fear of Dinner Conversations – After she’s accepted into NYU, one of Kimmy’s professors invites her over for dinner. Later, she discovers that the professor’s interest in her status as a mole woman was the only reasons he received an invite. It’s not something Kimmy likes to talk about…..What a dick! I would have knifed him.
Gerapcophobia | Fear of Growing Old or Aging – Kimmy seems mentally stuck at an age of early adolescence. She wears clothes that look like they come out of Justice, and her chipper attitude and vocabulary make people wonder why a grown woman speaks like she’s nine instead of twenty-nine….Do what you have to do Kimmy! I’m with ya!
Kakorrhaphiophobia | Fear of Failure or Defeat – Kimmy is so optimistic that she’s actually blind to her own failures. She refuses to accept that something might be impossible to achieve……I wish I was Kimmy Schmidt.
Vitricophobia | Fear of One’s Stepfather – Kimmy’s stepfather, Randy Peterson, is one strange guy. He tries to make Kimmy feel like a part of their family, but it just comes off as weird and a little creepy, considering her half-sister was basically a replacement for her. I don’t blame her for rejecting that weirdo as you gotta do what you gotta do.
Theophobia | Fear of Religion – The Reverend’s whackjob cult probably ruined any form of religion, ever, for Kimmy…..All of the rules and guilt ruined religion for me. I’m kinda a free spirit or as my probation officer likes to call me, a loose cannon.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.