Being a teenager is hard, especially when you’re trying to live up to not only your own expectations, but everyone else’s around you. That’s why characters like Archie are easy to relate to. Whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, we were all whiny, rebellious, and belligerent teenagers at one point. It’s during that obnoxious, hormone-filled time that we develop a lot of our fears, and Archie’s no exception.
Hoplophobia | Fear of Firearms – Hearing a gunshot while he’s having an affair with his music teacher, Ms. Grundy, is enough to give Archie hoplophobia. Because he waits so long to tell the authorities what he heard, that one shot gives him a lot of grief. Try living in Chicago like me Archie. UGH!
Hypengyophobia | Fear of Responsibility – Archie’s got no interest in taking over the family construction business. He just wants to be a musician, dammit! While his dad sees it as Archie’s duty to uphold the tradition, Archie’s refusal to accept is a little indicative of his hypengyophobia. Did I mention I’m still in a band? We’re gonna get signed this year. I just know it!
Hippopotomonstrosequipedaliophobia | Fear of Long Words – Okay, I think I may have hippopoto… hippo – whatever – after typing that out. Archie does, too, because he had a lot of trouble reading as a kid. So much so, in fact, that he almost flunked the second grade, and would have been held back a year if not for Betty tutoring him. Because, you know, all second graders are awesome tutors, I guess?
Elurophobia | Fear of Cats – He’s pretty intimidated by Josie and the Pussycats.
Anthophobia | Fear of Flowers – Jason Blossom, even in his death, manages to cause a lot of problems for Archie… though, it seems like Archie brings most of them on himself. Jason’s sister, Cheryl, is kinda shady, too. This one was a bit of a reach, wouldn’t you say? Fuck you! I’m having a rough day, okay!
Quadraphobia | Fear of the Number Four – The Fourth of July is a pretty celebratory day for most Americans, but not for Archie Andrews. For him, the Fourth will always remind him of the murder that he totally heard happen but refuses to say anything about. This shit will haunt this Top 10 List forever. More murder coming your way!
Rhabdophobia | Fear of Being Punished – We’ve mentioned it before, but let’s shout it out one more time for the folks in the back. Archie is covering up what he knows about A FUCKING MURDER because he’s afraid of getting suspended. If that’s not rhabdophobia, I don’t know what is. Still, we can cut Archie a little slack. He’s a kid. Ms. Grundy, on the other hand? She’s not getting off the hook. Here’s an idea. Maybe DON’T have an affair with a minor? Also, haven’t we seen this before? I’ll give you a hint – it rhymes with Lawson’s Streak.
Peccatophobia | Fear of Wrongdoing – Archie gives us a lot of “WTF?” moments, but thankfully because of his Peccatophobia, he finally comes clean about hearing the gunshot. My EX still hasn’t come clean about giving me gonorrhea.
Epistemophobia | Fear of Knowledge – Even after Betty and Veronica point out that Ms. Grundy is super shady, Archie refuses to believe them. What a dick!
Gynophobia | Fear of Women – Archie doesn’t have the best luck with the ladies. Between some thirty-something divorcee manipulating him into keeping quiet and Betty and Veronica trying to gain his affection, Archie’d probably do well to keep his distance for a while. But he’s fifteen, so we’re pretty sure he’s going to push past his gynophobia, if nothing else. I wish I had these kinda problems when I was 15. I just played Dungeons and Dragons.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.