Love her or hate her, everyone knows the fashion icon and hero of little girls everywhere, Barbie! She’s always been a woman of the times, and even though her proportions aren’t realistic, most people don’t even notice and just enjoy her quiet company. However, even though she looks like she always has her shit together, Barbie also has fears just like the rest of us. Here are Barbie’s Top Ten Phobias.
Ankylophobia | Fear of Immobility of a Joint – This issue is always a massive fear for Barbie as she’s pretty stiff as is. Her boyfriend Ken likes to tease her and call her the Tin Man, and she now has a complex about it…… I might not always like Barbie, but Fuck Ken, that’s emotional abuse, and if I were dating him, he’d be hospitalized right about now.
Anuptaphobia | Fear of Staying Single – Is she with Ken? Is she not? What’s the deal? They always seem to be on and off, and I don’t blame her. She’s caught between the fear of being single forever and a misogynist…… I’ve been there girl, and it’s time to cut the brake line on his car as I did. You’ll never look back.
Leprophobia or Lepraphobia | Fear of Leprosy – Family members of Barbie have a weird history of their heads being popped off by young children, so losing body parts is always on her mind…… I’d be scared too……That’s why I’m never having kids.
Russophobia | Fear of Russians – Barbie has been getting really political lately, and like most of America she’s fearing Russians these days. She wants to learn computer hacking so she can enlist in the new cyber army and help her country in any way she can……….Politics! I’d rather bleach my asshole than talk politics.
Cibophobia | Fear of Food – Barbie has a figure to maintain and unfortunately not eating food might be part of her method. I may be jumping to conclusions, but her body just isn’t natural…….. I’ve been in this eating battle before, and even though I hate Barbie, I do hope she just gets the help she needs.
Thermophobia | Fear of Heat – If Barbie stays out in the heat too long, she’ll literally melts. LITERALLY!…….. That’s what you get for buying Chinese goods, Barbie.
Eurotophobia | Fear of Female Genitalia – If you’ve ever seen Barbie naked, then you know that she’s so scared of female genitalia that she completely removed it from her own body. Literally, there’s nothing there! I guess she truly believes shopping is the best orgasm and had to make some tough choices. Personally, I mean, I love shoes as much as the next person…… but come on.
Gerascophobia | Fear of Growing Old or Aging – I don’t know who her plastic surgeon is, but whoever it is, they’re the best. THE BEST! She’s bee 20 forever! Her fear of aging is really paying off…….I’m not as superficial as Barbie, and I kinda want to throw acid on her face on behalf of all women.
Pentheraphobia | Fear of Mothers-in-Law – According to rumor and innuendo, Ken’s mom, who is pretty much her mother-in-law, is pretty much a tyrant that makes Barbie tremble in fear……..She really needs to call me about this as I’ve taken care of a few mothers-in-law in my time. Yes, I did get jail time, but I have no regrets.
Zeusophobia | Fear of Gods – Barbie has always been a god fearing person and does her best to live her life as pure as possible, which maybe is why she chose shopping instead of having genitalia. The less sinning possible, the better……..What a terrible way to live…..But who I am to judge? I’m going straight to hell.
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Photo Credit: Quasior