Eric Cartman is everybody’s favorite little psychopath. This perpetual ten-year-old is one of the most evil people on TV. Seriously, you don’t get more evil than tricking a kid into eating his own parents. Cartman may not be the most relatable character, but we think he’s hilarious… which may or may not mean we’re terrible people. Regardless, he’s still human (we think?), and subject to all our fears. Here are Eric Cartman’s Top Ten Phobias.
Agrizoophobia | Fear of Wild Animals – Why else would Cartman write a story like Woodland Critter Christmas? Adorable little animals with a penchant for sacrifice and Satan worship? Only somebody with deep, unresolved issues could write something like that……FYI My Uncle Rick tried to sue South Park for copyright infringement as he claimed to have written this exact version first.
Katagelophobia | Fear of Ridicule – Cartman can dish it out, but he certainly can’t take it. Every time he’s ridiculed, he goes running to some authority figure and manipulating them until he gets his way……I could easily say this about all my siblings, but I’m sure we all know a character like this in our lives….Me more than others. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Phasmophobia | Fear of Ghosts – Cartman is so afraid of ghosts he actually thought he was a ghost who couldn’t pass on until he fixed everything he’d done wrong. Quite a feat for someone who, again, literally fed a kid his parents……I’m starting to think South Park really did base Cartman off my Uncle Rick.
Samhainophobia | Fear of Halloween – Cartman never has a good time on Halloween. Either some well-intentioned old man thinks he’s dressed up as Honey Boo-Boo, or he somehow ends up fighting zombies. He just wants it to be Christmas, dammit, and I don’t blame him. If anyone confused me for Honey Boo-Boo, I’d stab them.
Satanophobia | Fear of Satan – Satan’s been fucking with Cartman for years, and it seriously gets under his skin. His plan to take over the world doesn’t sit well with our little psychopath, who would probably rather rule himself. Satan also tortures Kenny, one of the only people in the world Cartman actually seems to care about…….My Uncle Rick had a friend Lenny, and it seems he was the only person he cared about too. Eerie.
Zelophobia | Fear of Jealousy – Cartman is a spoiled little shit who can’t stand it if he doesn’t get his way. Every time one of his friends gets something he doesn’t have, he cries to Maaaaaam until she gives in…..If I cried to Maaaaaaaam, she’d just just leave me in a park to find my own way home.
Judeophobia | Fear of Jews – Let’s cut to the chase. Cartman is a literal Nazi, folks…..And Nazi’s aren’t cool. I dated one and all he did was play video games in his mom’s basement all day. Total loser.
Antlophobia | Fear of Floods – When Cartman and Stan crash a boat into the Beaverton Dam, they cause a Katrina-level state of emergency. Since he almost dies of heat exhaustion, he’s probably not too comfortable with the thought of floods anymore…….I’m not too fond of writing this top 10 list anymore, but I have bills to pay.
Allodoxaphobia | Fear of Opinions – Because he’s an evil little shit, Cartman thinks his opinion is always the right one even though he’s usually wrong……..Insert Donald Trump Joke Here. If you are a Republican, Insert Hilary Clinton Joke Here.
Politicophobia | Fear of Politicians – After campaigning for a turd sandwich(yes, a turd sandwich), Cartman is disillusioned by the political process. And as residents of South Park get really into politics, Cartman’s probably pretty traumatized by it all………Insert Donald Trump Joke Here. If you are a Republican, Insert Hilary Clinton Joke Here.
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Photo Credit: Karen Green