Eric Cartman is everybody’s favorite little psychopath. This perpetual ten-year-old is one of the most evil people on TV. Seriously, you don’t get more evil than tricking a kid into eating his own parents. Cartman may not be the most relatable character, but we think he’s hilarious… which may or may not mean we’re terrible people. Regardless, he’s still human (we think?), and subject to all our fears.
Agrizoophobia | Fear of Wild Animals – Why else would Cartman write as scarring of a story as Woodland Critter Christmas? Adorable little animals with a penchant for sacrifice and Satan worship? Only somebody with deep, unresolved issues could write something like that.
Katagelophobia | Fear of Ridicule – Cartman can dish it out, but he certainly can’t take it. Every time he’s ridiculed, he goes running to some authority figure and manipulating them until he gets his way.
Phasmophobia | Fear of Ghosts – Cartman is so afraid of ghosts he actually thought he was a ghost who couldn’t pass on until he fixed everything he’d done wrong. Quite a feat for someone who, again, literally fed a kid his parents. We really don’t make a big enough deal about this.
Samhainophobia | Fear of Halloween – Cartman never has a good time on Halloween. Either some well-intentioned old man thinks he’s dressed up as Honey Boo-Boo, or he somehow ends up fighting zombies. He just wants it to be Christmas, dammit.
Satanophobia | Fear of Satan – Satan’s been fucking with Cartman for years, and it seriously gets under his skin. His plan to take over the world doesn’t sit well with our little psychopath, who would probably rather rule himself. Satan also tortures Kenny, one of the only people in the world Cartman actually seems to care about.
Zelophobia | Fear of Jealousy – Cartman is a spoiled little shit who can’t stand not getting his way. Every time one of his friends gets something he doesn’t have, he cries to Maaaaaam until she gives in.
Judeophobia | Fear of Jews – Let’s cut to the chase. Cartman is a literal Nazi, folks.
Antlophobia | Fear of Floods – When Cartman and Stan crash a boat into the Beaverton Dam, they cause a Katrina-level state of emergency. Since he almost dies of heat exhaustion, he’s probably not too comfortable with the thought of floods anymore.
Allodoxaphobia | Fear of Opinions – Because he’s an evil little shit, Cartman thinks his opinion is the right one no matter what. He can never accept that he’s usually wrong.
Politicophobia | Fear of Politicians – After campaigning for a turd sandwich, Cartman is disillusioned by the political process. Residents of South Park get really into politics, and Cartman’s probably pretty traumatized by it. We totally get this one, bro.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.
Photo by Karen Green