It’s time for the Top Ten Phobias of Hulk Hogan and the all too many reminders of how much I hate my older brothers who tormented me throughout my childhood while simultaneously doing Hulk Hogan impressions. If I had a dollar for every time I was leg dropped by my four siblings, I’d be a millionaire by now, but I’m not. So on that sour note, let’s just get to this Top Ten List of the man who put wrestling on the mainstream map, the immortal Hulk Hogan.
Arsonphobia | Fear of Fire – Remember the time when Hulk Hogan lost to Yokozuna in 1993 when a Japanese photographer took his picture at ringside and flames burst out into Hogan’s face? It was awesome and I’m sure Hogan fears fire until this very day……….My brothers were devastated by the loss, but even at the age of six, this revenge felt very sweet indeed.
Ophthalmophobia | Fear of Being Watched – Many years ago Hulk Hogan was secretly taped having sex with some radio hosts wife, and it just proves that sometimes real life is whackier than wrestling storylines………..My brothers have made it their life’s mission to kill the man who secretly made this sex tape by the way.
Russophobia | Fear of Russians – Hogan was fearing the Russians way before it was cool, brother. No one knew the threat of Russians quite like Hogan, and we’re sure if Putin attacks, targeting an American Hero like Hulk Hogan would be one of his first priorities. And that would be Putin’s downfall because Hogan is currently unloved due to his racist rants.
Telephonophobia | Fear of Telephones – Have you ever seem Hulk Hogan use a regular telephone or a cell phone? NEVER! He must be afraid of them for some reason. And the most likely reason is that the Russians are probably tapping his phones………..My brothers are fearful of phones as well, but that never stopped them from ending up in prison because they just loved blabbing about their recent heists at the bar, right after doing them. Idiots.
Gerascophobia | Fear of Growing Old or Aging – There’s nothing worse than an aging wrestler. I’m sure Hogan can’t even bare the site of looking at his drooping leather like skin in the tight yellow underwear speedos anymore. If this were ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ Buffalo Bill would for sure kidnap Hogan to make him into a new leather coat…….I barfed in my mouth just thinking of this.
Islamophobia | Fear, Hatred or Dislike of Islam or Muslims – If there were ever to be the leader of the Alt-Right in wrestling tights, then it would be Hogan for sure. He was so mean to the Iron Sheik and what did the Sheik ever do to him?…………I hope my brothers are reading this one and getting pissed off from hell to high water right now. You’re all assholes too.
Judeophobia | Fear of Jews – I have no proof on this one, but since we’re dealing with a known racist, I thought I’d just throw the Jews in on this one as well. I’m sure he’s said something negative about the Hebrews, but it just wasn’t recorded for the rest of us to enjoy while eating a bowl of Matzoh Ball soup………..My brothers are so going to try and kill me over this, and I bet they’re saying right now, but his lawyer and accountant are Jewish, so he can’t be racist!
Megalophobia | Fear of Large Objects – What scared Hogan the most? Andre the Giant! Enough said. And after he lost the title to him, he was never the same unbeatable force again.
Neopharmaphobia | Fear of New Drugs – Hogan was all about saying your prayers and eating your vitamins. He was Mr. America during the time of Nancy Reagan and her ‘Just Say No To Drugs’ campaign. Hogan feared drugs and told kids to live a clean life. What a great role model he was for kids………until the steroid scandal, sex tape with someone else’s wife, and the racist outburst……….He’s a moral Christian just like my brothers.
Omphalophobia | Fear of Belly Buttons – For some reason, Hogan screamed in fear like a 10-year-old girl every time an outy belly button rubbed up against him in the ring, but fortunately, they were always able to cut it out in post-production………..And speaking of post-production, I hope my brothers don’t find me and make a post-production out of my face after reading this, but really, who am I kidding…………..they can’t read.
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Photo Credit: Megan Elice Meadows