In the 1970’s, a shark named Bruce (But everyone refers to him as Jaws), frightened the world to death, and in the process, made all of us hesitant to set foot in the ocean ever again. However, contrary to popular belief, Jaws is a way more complicated animal than he’s letting on, and he succumbs to his fears just like the rest of us. Here are the Top Ten Phobias of Jaws aka Bruce.
Androphobia | Fear of Men – Yes, Jaws kills a lot of people, and he feels tons of shame about that, but it’s only in response to years of poaching by men all over the world………….Fucking men!! I bet these poachers have small dicks too. Now I’m shaming them and I feel shame about it…….Who am I kidding? No, I don’t! Suckas!
Angrophobia | Fear of Anger or of Becoming Angry – Jaws knows that he has anger issues, and he’s been going to a therapist for a very long time to manage his problem. However, sometimes society gets him so mad that he can’t help himself from exploding, and when he explodes, look the fuck out. And in a strange way, this fear is his version of empathy…………….. Sounds like a nice guy to me. I mean, I’m not this thoughtful, and I think I’m a pretty good human being……When I want to be.
Automysophobia | Fear of Being Dirty – Another reason Jaws eats people is because he’s a big fan of recycling and clean water. However, human beings just can’t stop polluting his habitat, which really pisses him off. He’s just so afraid of being dirty with contaminants because he doesn’t want to get cancer and die at an early age. He believes he has so much left to give to this world, as he still dreams of writing a sequel to his movies. He really wants to showcase his writing abilities, as well as his improved acting chops…………….OMG! Jaws and I are like twins! We just think, like, way too much.
Acousticophobia | Fear of Noise – When Jaws is trying to sleep, the assholes partying on the beach and in the water just keep on making tons of noise. And as we all know, sound carries on water, which drives Jaws apeshit crazy…………I also love peace and quiet, which is why I want to enter the witness protection program.
Ballistophobia | Fear of Missiles or Bullets – In the first Jaws, the town Sheriff sticks a gas tank in Jaws’ mouth and then shoots it with some pretty hefty bullets. Jaws may have blown up, which he said hurt like a son of a bitch, but he somehow made it back for the sequels……………..And by the way, Jaws was unarmed, so it’s just another case of Police Brutality in my opinion. Shark Lives Matter.
Litigophobia | Fear of Lawsuits – When you’ve killed so many people as Jaws has; eventually you’re going to find yourself swimming in lawsuits. And Jaws doesn’t want to lose all his movie money, so he’s pretty scared some Liberal Democrat Judge is going to side with the grieving families aka snowflakes…………….Jaws should just change his name, get some plastic surgery done, and move to another ocean………….And as long as he still has his cash, I’ll go with him.
Odontophobia | Fear of Dentists or Dental Care – Ever since he was a little shark, Jaws has been deathly afraid of the dentist because when you have as many teeth as he does, something will always going go wrong. The worst is when his teeth break on people’s belt buckles or Oscar Pistorius’ legs……………….I’m patting myself on the back for that one, as it was a…….. KILLER joke!
Selachophobia | Fear of Sharks – One of the only things that can kill a shark, is an even bigger shark. So yeah, Jaws is super afraid because The Meg is making a comeback in real life and at the box office. His sequel days may be done……………….Speaking of sequels, I’m pregnant again……. Wait, I mean……I got an abortion again.
Sinophobia | Fear of Chinese People or Culture – One of the most popular delicacies in China is Shark Fin Soup, and because of it, Jaws won’t go anywhere near the shores of Mainland China. It’s where the Shark Holocaust has been going on for over four decades now. Although, he has been thinking about his plan for revenge, which involves luring them out to a manufacturing plant in the ocean to steal more of Americas Jobs, then pouncing………………………..I think this is fake news. We all know the Shark Holocaust never existed, or at the very least, the volume of dead sharks has been way over exaggerated.
Electrophobia | Fear of Electricity – Did anyone watch any of the Jaws sequels? If not, then I’ll remind you that he was electrocuted to his fake death in Jaws 2, and it was quite a painful death that Jaws doesn’t want to go through again. And because of this electrolysis, he can no longer grow back his little blond mustache…………….Speaking of mustaches, they’re disgusting…….Just like my sense of humor in the Top Ten Phobias of Jaws……..Thanks for reading, but not really. I’m just in a nihilistic mood today. Can you tell?
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.
Photo Credit: Universal Studios