Transformers has been a part of our lives since childhood, and with the new one entering theaters this weekend to horrible reviews, I thought it was best to write this one up right now. We had all the toys, and we obsessively watched the TV show every Saturday. As kids, we looked to Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, because he was the motherfucking hero Earth needed to save us from the Decepticons. Those evil fucking bastards. But just because he’s an ancient robot with the power to save the world doesn’t mean there aren’t a few phobias he’s hiding.
Tyrannophobia | Fear of Tyrants – Megatron is one crazy-ass, power-hungry mofo, and Optimus Prime will do anything to stop him and his army of Decepticons. I mean the guy is actually a gun!! The fucking 2nd Amendment and the right to bear arms strikes again.
Nucleomitophobia | Fear of Nuclear Weapons – Prime stopped a fucking NUCLEAR MISSILE from destroying Las Vegas by absorbing and redirecting its power with the Matrix of Leadership. Even though he was supercharged with, like, a billion gallons of energon, it still probably hurt like a bitch. Yes, I’m a nerd now shut the fuck up.
Kakorrhaphiophobia | Fear of Defeat – Because the Decepticons are always out there trying to fuck shit up, Prime knows really bad shit is going to happen if the Autobots are ever defeated. That’s scary, but what’s even scarier is my use of foul language for this top ten phobia post. It’s out of hand. Something is wrong with me today, and I don’t know what it is yet.
Kosmikophobia | Fear of Cosmic Phenomenon – Considering he basically turns into a fiery meteor as he crash lands on Earth, it’s pretty safe to say Prime’s got Kosmikophobia. This one was kinda lame so sue me, asshole.
Mechanophobia | Fear of Machines – This one might seem a little weird, since Optimus Prime IS a machine, but he also deals with the shit OTHER machines cause on a regular basis. Technically it’s like an Islamist being scared of Radical Islamists, which is understandable, or Professor X being afraid of Magneto. I just went Political and Nerdy on your ass at the same fucking time. I must say, it feels pretty damn good.
Mycrophobia | Fear of Small Things – Prime definitely cares about people’s well-being, but he’s gotta be careful. They’re just so small and easy to squish. Oh, I wish that was in the cartoon! Optimus Prime running over people. I would have laughed my ass off because I’m evil.
Dystychiphobia | Fear of Accidents – Prime has been the victim of many a Michael Bay explosion, and considering he has a tendency to take the shape of a semi-truck when he’s on earth; he’d better watch out. Also, you can never be safe with those people who still drink and drive, and since he’s on the road a lot, he’s definitely higher up there for being a statistic.
Hygrophobia | Fear of Liquids, Dampness, or Moisture – While Prime may be a badass in almost every way possible, he’s not invincible. Unlike us puny humans, he can rust if he’s exposed to moisture. That’s definitely enough to give him hygrophobia. Good thing he doesn’t live in Seattle even though we hear he loves grunge music. He’s so deep.
Ballistophobia | Fear of Missiles or Bullets – Not gonna lie, we may be projecting just a little with this one. Every Transformers fan remembers the horrible moment in the 1986 movie when Megatron shoots and kills Optimus Prime. An entire generation of children was scarred by watching the protagonist of their favorite franchise be killed by the villain. Prime still fears this moment from happening again. However, I can’t wait to see history repeat itself because I love bad guys and Optimus Prime is just a huge goody two shoes, and it makes me want to barf.
Necrophobia | Fear of Dead Things – Optimus Prime has actually died quite a few times, but the strangest has to be in the less-remembered “Dark Awakening,” an episode that took place after that severely traumatizing movie. Because of a botched resurrection attempt that turns him evil, he tries to lead his fellow Autobots to their deaths before snapping out of it and killing himself to save his friends. This was pretty bad ass actually and the coolest thing Prime has ever done.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.