The Flash: the fastest man alive. We’d give anything to have his powers. I mean, who wouldn’t want to run across water or travel back in time? Before Barry became the Flash, though, his life pretty much sucked. Actually… his life STILL sucks, and he’s developed some pretty damaging phobias.
Nosocomephobia | Fear of Hospitals – Poor Barry spent NINE FUCKING MONTHS stuck in a hospital bed in a coma. And I assume being in a coma is like being on a bad acid trip and not being able to wake up…………. Or it’s like all of my relationships.
Chronophobia | Fear of Time – Seriously, Barry, if you’d just leave everything alone and stop fucking with timelines, you probably would have never developed this fear. Fucking, Barry………….. I have OCD amongst many other things, so that’s my excuse.
Chemophobia | Fear of Chemicals – You can’t really blame Barry for this one. Imagine being launched by a fucking bolt of lightning into a shelf full of chemicals. It’s a good thing he gained superpowers from it because the rest of us would have just gotten cancer……………I wish everyone I knew got cancer. Does that make me a bad person? No, it doesn’t because everyone I know is a bad person so it’s all good………I will die alone.
Chronometrophobia | Fear of Clocks – Before he became the Flash, Barry was chronically late. Look at a clock once in a while, man. Ugh, this would drive me crazy…….. I’m talking to you, DAD! I’m still waiting for you to show up to every one of my weddings! Dick.
Cheimaphobia | Fear of Cold – Because his powers are activated by heat, the Flash basically can’t function if he’s stuck in the cold. We can rule out a move to the Arctic then…………BUT I may move there to avoid my parole officer.
Cardiophobia | Fear of Heart Attack – If your heart beats so quickly that it couldn’t even be detected, you’d probably be afraid you were going to die of a heart attack too………… I get this heart issue, but with cocaine.
Catagelophobia | Fear of Being Ridiculed – Barry had a rough time growing up, because kids (I’m looking at you, Tony), didn’t obey Bullying Rule #1: don’t tease the kid with a dead mom. This severely impacted Barry, whose life already sucked…….. The difference between Barry and I on this one is that I wish my mom were dead. Wink. Wink.
Asthenophobia | Fear of Fainting or Weakness – Because his metabolism is so fucking fast, Barry’s super hypoglycemic. If he doesn’t eat, like, a hundred pizzas a day, he faints like one of those old-timey ladies in a corset………… Actually, asthenophobia sounds okay, as long as I can do it Barry’s way. Pep and mushrooms, anyone?
Atychiphobia | Fear of Failure – Barry’s just so goddamn motivated. He really makes us feel bad about ourselves. We’ve gotta wonder if this has something to do with how badly he embarrassed himself at football tryouts in high school. But seriously, he graduated college with TWO degrees, and he’s a forensic scientist in his mid-twenties…………. I kinda wish I were a little more atychiphobic right now. I’ve really wasted my life.
Keraunophobia | Fear of Thunder or Lightning – An accident involving a shelf full of chemicals and a stray bolt of lightning is what gave him superpowers in the first place. Thankfully, he says “fuck you” to this fear by wearing a lightning bolt across his chest and using his electrokinetic powers against his enemies. They’re really good at sending it right back at him, though, and he’s probably been struck more times than any living person. He should probably just play the lottery already………….. I bet you’re waiting for me to be self deprecating right here, but it ain’t gonna happy cause I took my happy pills right after I wrote Atychiphobia.
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.
Photo Credit: Warner Brothers