The Flash: the fastest man alive. We’d give anything to have his powers. I mean, who wouldn’t want to run across water or travel back in time? Before Barry became the Flash, though, his life pretty much sucked. Actually… his life STILL sucks, and he’s developed some pretty damaging phobias.
Nosocomephobia | Fear of Hospitals – Poor Barry spent NINE FUCKING MONTHS stuck in a hospital bed in a coma. And I assume being in a coma is like being on a bad acid trip and not being able to wake up. Or it’s like all of my relationships.
Chronophobia | Fear of Time – Seriously, Barry, if you’d just leave everything alone and stop fucking with timelines, you probably would have never developed this fear. Fucking, Barry. I have OCD, so that’s my excuse
Chemophobia | Fear of Chemicals – You can’t really blame Barry for this one. Imagine being launched by a fucking bolt of lightning into a shelf full of chemicals. It’s a good thing he gained superpowers from it because the rest of us would have just gotten cancer.
Chronometrophobia | Fear of Clocks – Before he became the Flash, Barry was chronically late. Look at a clock once in a while, man. Ugh, this would drive me crazy. I’m talking to you, DAD! I’m still waiting for you to show up to every one of my graduations! Dick.
Cheimaphobia | Fear of Cold – Because his powers are activated by heat, the Flash basically can’t function if he’s stuck in the cold. We can rule out a move to the Arctic then.
Cardiophobia | Fear of Heart Attack – If your heart beats so quickly that it couldn’t even be detected, you’d probably be afraid you were going to die of a heart attack, too. I get this but with cocaine.
Catagelophobia | Fear of Being Ridiculed – Barry had a rough time growing up, because kids (I’m looking at you, Tony), didn’t obey Bullying Rule #1: don’t tease the kid with a dead mom. This severely impacted Barry, whose life already sucked. The difference with Barry and me on this one is that I wish my mom were dead. Wink. Wink.
Asthenophobia | Fear of Fainting or Weakness – Because his metabolism is so fucking fast, Barry’s super hypoglycemic. If he doesn’t eat, like, a hundred pizzas a day, he faints like one of those old-timey ladies in a corset. Actually, asthenophobia sounds okay, as long as I can do it Barry’s way. Pep and mushrooms, anyone?
Atychiphobia | Fear of Failure – Barry’s just so goddamn motivated. He really makes us feel bad about ourselves. We’ve gotta wonder if this has something to do with how badly he embarrassed himself at football tryouts in high school. But seriously, he graduated college with TWO degrees, and he’s a forensic scientist in his mid-twenties. I kinda wish I were a little more atychiphobic right now.
Keraunophobia | Fear of Thunder or Lightning – An accident involving a shelf full of chemicals and a stray bolt of lightning is what gave him superpowers in the first place. Thankfully, he says “fuck you” to this fear by wearing a lightning bolt across his chest and using his electrokinetic powers against his enemies. They’re really good at sending it right back at him, though, and he’s probably been struck more times than any living person. He should probably just play the lottery already. I bet you’re waiting for me to be self deprecating right here, but it ain’t gonna happy cause I took my happy pills right after I wrote Atychiphobia.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.