Top Ten Phobias of Special Agent Dale Cooper

Posted by Edward Ernest | Nov 29, 2017 | Lists, Top 10 Lists | 0 |

Dale Cooper is a man who, against all odds, just keeps on keeping on. He’s lost family members and lovers. He’s been trapped in another dimension. He’s a quirky intellectual with incredible control over his emotions – so much so that he manages to convince himself that dying is nothing to be afraid of. (Teach me your ways, Cooper!) All things considered, he’s probably one of the more well-adjusted people we’ve done a Top 10 list for, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t without his fears.

Autophobia | Fear of OneselfNot everybody gets to fight their evil Twilight Zone doppelganger. But Dale Cooper does. Suffice to say, it probably scares the shit out of him, and is enough to make him fear himself at least a little bit…..Two Dale Coopers fighting each other? Swoon.

Anemophobia | Fear of Air Drafts or WindDale had hella bad asthma as a kid, and he ended up confined to his bed pretty often, and his company was usually just his weird mom. Asthma attacks are bad enough without Mrs. Cooper as company……Maybe he and I can do a role play where I’m his mom? Am I getting too graphic with my perversions? He’s just too dreamy for words.

Somniphobia | Fear of SleepWhy else would he be so obsessed with coffee? Sleep is for the weak!……Hey! Dale Cooper! You can ‘not sleep’ at my place any night of the week. Wink!

Necrophobia | Fear of Death – Imagine you’re a kid. You’ve just witnessed your grandma’s death. Then your mom is like, “I know the ambulance isn’t even here yet, but go ahead and touch her corpse, sweetie!” I know the exercise was meant to make Cooper not fear death, but honestly, it should’ve had the opposite effect…..And I’m willing to role-play this event too. Am I acting pathetic right now?

Meningitophobia | Fear of Brain DiseaseNot only did Dale’s grandma die of a stroke, his creepy mom died of a freak brain aneurism….I promise I won’t die on you, Dale. My love.

Aquaphobia | Fear of Water – There’s so much tragedy in this guy’s life. Not too long after his mom’s death, his childhood sweetheart, Marie, drowns. I wouldn’t even go near a bathtub if I were Cooper…..I’m not upset she’s dead, Dale. Now we can finally be together like I’v always dreamed.

Phronemophobia | Fear of ThinkingCooper has a tulpa. Diane has a tulpa. Everybody has a tulpa. When you live in a world where people’s thoughts can manifest into a sentient being, you’re probably going to have a predisposition to phronemophobia…..That’s right Dale, stop thinking and just fall asleep on my chest that aches for you.

Melanophobia | Fear of the Color BlackPoor Cooper (The love of my life) ends up trapped in the Black Lodge (which, admittedly, is a lot more red than it is black) for twenty-five years. That’s enough to make anyone lose it – even Dale….God, how I wish that I was trapped in there with you.

Oneirophobia | Fear of DreamsDale has all sorts of disturbing and prophetic dreams. Isn’t sleep supposed to be a reprieve from the bullshit we deal with on a regular basis? Not for my love though, unless he’s dreaming of me.

Ballistophobia | Fear of BulletsAfter Cooper is shot three times in the stomach, he’s basically just left there to die. A crazy old waiter, whom Rosenfield refers to as Senor Droolcup, is the only person who finds him. Left at the mercy of someone with dementia, Cooper is left there to slowly die of an abdominal wound. Thankfully, Andy, Hawk, and Truman find him before he can bleed out. Cooper may have ballistophobia from this incident, but that doesn’t stop him from getting right back in the driver’s seat…..And that’s why I’ll do anything for this hot specimen of a man.


This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

Photo Credit: Sam Howzit

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