If there were a list ranking the most maladjusted fictional characters in history, Tobias Funke would easily make the top three. We hold this Arrested Development fan favorite close to our hearts because of his oblivious comments, his outrageous actions, and his pathetic but endearing antics. Whether he’s trying to win his daughter’s approval by disguising himself as Mrs. Featherbottom or “bluing” himself for a part he’s never going to get, we can’t help but laugh hysterically and feel a bit better about our own lots in life. And because poor Tobias has so many unfortunate afflictions, he undoubtedly has a lot of fears he needs to deal with. This is a Top Ten Fears list, but it could have easily been 50. *Usually I add dark comments about my life but for Tobias Funke, it’s all him today as I love him so.
Homophobia | Fear of Homosexuality – Tobias isn’t in the closet; he’s been sucked into a supermassive black hole that will never let him accept who he really is. He dresses in drag, watches straight bait porn, and “accidentally” makes sexually suggestive comments toward other men all the time. He’s also an Analrapist looking for ANUSTART.
Caligynephobia | Fear of Beautiful Women – Lindsay may be shallow, but there’s no denying she’s gorgeous. No matter what she does, she doesn’t seem to be able to get Tobias to have sex with her more than once a year despite constantly seeking her approval.
Chaetophobia | Fear of Hair – Tobias decided his male pattern baldness was keeping him from getting the acting jobs he was really destined for, so he made the intelligent decision of splurging for hair plugs. Of course, because he’s Tobias, they get disgustingly infected and nearly kill him. Suffice to say, he’s not going to be trying that again… we hope.
Gymnophobia | Fear of Nudity – Like you didn’t see this one coming. Tobias is a never-nude. Don’t judge; there are dozens of them. Dozens!
Hodophobia | Fear of Travel – Tobias had a pretty awful trip to India, where he gets hit by a bus and is stuck in the hospital for two weeks.
Hypengyophobia | Fear of Responsibility – You could say this about most of the Bluth family: spoiled rich kids who never had to work for anything. But Tobias? What’s Tobias’s excuse? He was a psychiatrist.
Iatrophobia | Fear of Doctors – Maybe it’s not so much that Tobias has Hypengyophobia. Maybe he’s actually afraid of doctors. Afraid of seeing doctors. Afraid of being a doctor.
Malaxophobia | Fear of Love Play – This goes hand-in-hand with his caligynephobia and gymnophobia. If you’re afraid of your beautiful wife and you can’t take off your jean cutoffs, how on earth are you supposed to make it past second base?
Dendrophobia | Fear of Trees – Despite seeming physically disinterested in Lindsay, Tobias is incredibly jealous when she shows any other man attention. When Lindsey briefly seeks an affair with a tree hugger, Tobias does anything and everything he can to try and win her back.
Teleophobia | Fear of Making Definite Plans – An acting job can come from anywhere at any time! Tobias knows that if you make definite plans, you might miss out on the casting call that finally nabs you your big break.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.