Hey Everyone! It’s me! Ellis! And if you’ve been reading all my blog posts from the beginning, then you probably can tell that I have lots of trust issues. And the person that I don’t trust the most is the crumbum I see in the mirror every morning…… me. And you’re probably wondering why I’m bringing this up, and it’s because I embarrassingly get suckered all the time by not so good crummingtons, and I should know better by now. This makes me think about the meme (I LOVE MEMES) ‘Trust Nobody, Not Even Yourself’ because it really is the crummy truth.
You kind readers (My Friends) don’t know this about me, but I’m a big fan of the show Star Trek. It’s about outer space, and I came from outer space, so when I watch it, in a strange way, it makes me feel closer to my home planet which I sometimes miss, even though the people there were crummy to me. So a couple of weeks ago, at a big Star Trek convention, I was floating around, going from booth to booth, dressed as Dr. Spock, when I was stopped by a couple enthusiastic looking people dressed as Borgs. I knew I shouldn’t have stopped because it looked like they were trying to sell stuff but they were really convincing. They were handing out free History of Star Trek books, and I of course wanted to take one because I LOVE STAR TREK, but that’s when they told me if I did so, I’d have to sign up for a membership to the Children’s Hope Fund, which is a great cause, but at the same time, I’m not in a financial position to donate any money to anyone. I can barely afford my rent as is and every penny is counting these days.
Wow! These Borgs were real crumbums with their evil sales pitch because it made me feel real crummy and stuff by showing me pictures of kids around the world who needed money and then I started feeling like I was a crumanthony of a bad person if I didn’t help out. I didn’t know what to do while standing there and I felt trapped by the whole situation. These people dressed as Borgs seemed like nice people with their smiles and free book, but all they really wanted was to separate me from my money, and they were kinda like the real crummy Borgs on the actual Star Trek TV show. My trust in myself to walk away was gone and gave into their crummy demands even though I didn’t want to and couldn’t afford to so. I’m just so easily manipulated into making bad decisions, and it’s the worst crummy feeling in the world.
Do you guys have that? Where you know that sometimes your guilt, or shame, or your vices, get a hold of you and your brain won’t stop telling you to make a decision that you know is bad and then all of a sudden you get into crummy mess, and then you feel even worse about yourself after getting into that mess? It’s a crummy pain I know all too well. Even writing this out makes me hurt and I just wanna cry.
Ok, I just don’t wanna cry, I just did, and it was a crumathon of tears. And I don’t want t to have to cry like this anymore. I want to end my crummy suffering, so this won’t happen again. I need to trust myself more. So I guess the only thing I can do is work on becoming aware of when these things are happening and practice removing myself from the situation. Or maybe I can practice removing myself before it even starts? Like at the convention, instead of stopping, I should have just rushed by them and blurted out “I’m late for the Leonard Nimoy Signing” even though Leonard Nimoy sadly passed away. But it doesn’t matter if it makes sense, I would have avoided the whole crummy situation and felt better about myself, and it would have been a baby step in creating a new foundation in trusting myself.
Anyway, I’ve since cancelled my donations after the first one, but they still got the initial $50 and because of that I’ve been eating only one crummy meal a day, and it’s been instant tomato soup because I needed some vegetables. But at least I have food, and I’ll live to fight another day, and I hope you do too.
If you or a loved one you know battles with Trust, Self Esteem, Anxiety, Depression or any other Mental Health Issues like our beloved Ellis, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.