Remember the days when cancelling plans on someone meant that you had to actually call them on the phone, most likely the night before, or at least earlier in the day, just to make sure that the person you were meeting wouldn’t show up?
Fuck, I miss those days. I really really really really really really really do………………
REAL CONVERSATION WITH DR. JONAS VON
DOC: What’s with all those really’s and dots? Something’s up?
ME: The world’s just gone to shit, doc. I mean, I’m trying to fight the good fight, but are these new age narcissists even worth saving?
DOC: Of course they are. It’s not their fault they were born into this world and never knew what it was like to be disconnected from the internet. It’s up to you to show them the way.
ME: I just hate their guts with a massive passion.
DOC: It’s okay to feel this way. But just finish up writing the Cancellation Weapon, and I’ll meet you for an ice cream at Coldstone later….on me.
REAL CONVERSATION WITH DR. JONAS VON OVER
These Social Media Narcissists and their Smartphones have thrown classic etiquette into the garbage by thinking they can text you, literally at the last second or worse. They just don’t give a fuck, even if you’re already at your meeting spot. It’s like they think, because you’re connected, that they can be emotionally disconnected! THIS JUST MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL! LIKE I’M GOING MENTAL JUST THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW AND I LITERALLY JUST THREW MY TV!………But there’s a way to use their own narcissist game against them though and throw it right back into their faces. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Nothing pisses a narcissist off more than not being able to dictate their life in the way they want to live it, as it will completely throw them for a loop. So even though cancelling on a narcissist will get them super pissed off at you (yes, this is passive-aggressive behavior), in the grand scheme of things, it’s all worth it.
And this weapon will come in uber handy during the great war too. Especially when you organize a meet-up spot to fight a Facebook Employee with high-level security pass clearance, and then you text them at the last second that you can’t make it, but they’re already behind the Taco Time in Mountain View. This really pisses them off, but at the same time, you don’t give a fuck either, as it gives you the ability to just waltz right into the head offices of Facebook, because while they were waiting for you, you broke into their home and stole their high-level security passcard to let you in. And that’s when you find your way to Mark Zuckerberg’s office and shatter his pelvis with a Mega Facebook Poke. WHICH IS THE BEST! And then you kill him because you’ve had enough of his gross face and want to end the war forever. And because of his death, every social media narcissist gets freed from their trance-like-spell, and you become the hero of the whole entire world. Even the Minecraft world.
I know the Cancellation Weapon seems like the simplest trick in the universe, but sometimes the simplest things are also the most brilliant and most effective ones of all.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.