February 14th 2017
THIS COCK SUCKING PRICK HAS PLENTY OF SEALS. So Misleading – I’m in disbelief. What a charmer! How DARE he show up in my potential matches after our romantic getaway to the North. I saw a notification go off on his phone this morning as I was waking up out of bed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. How doesn’t he know that people don’t USUALLY have Netflix and USUALLY just want to chill. So many signs pointed to “this bear is single, secure and not looking. You’re the one for him.” BUT NO! Now this. Of course. How didn’t I see this coming. I let my guard down for ONE second!
So I matched him. Screenshotted him. And I am looking VERY forward to the explanation behind this. Should I send the pic or do it in person? Is it too early for this type of a showdown about commitment and online branding. He’s branding himself as single to every gay bear that watched my 72-story-couples-snapchat last weekend and yet here he is. THE AUDACITY!
THIS is the same bear that went through my phone and asked me who Bif was. WHO BIF IS?! UGHHHHH Why are you checking through my goddamn phone then if we’re not serious enough to delete our Plenty of Seals (not that I did, but….. THIS is why I didn’t – just incase. He’s the bad guy. Not me.) OMG MAYBE IT WAS HIS GUILTY CONSCIENCE. Definitely way. omg I hate him. I feel like: if you want to be playing games and seeing who all you can date then keep me in the loop too so I can date who ever I want…
*spirals out into a manic fit
OK we both deleted it, but he still doesn’t want to be boyfriends. Probably especially after how I handled it. He says he doesn’t want any commitments. He had a terrible last relationship that he conveniently never mentioned but is still apparently fucking reeling from. I’m so glad I left those damn apology flowers at home. That would have been so awkward. I already told the WORLD I was going to make it official today. In fact, I already made my Facebook status “TODAY’S THE BIG DAY” and got 13 likes. I KNEW I was gonna work it out and become official. But QUEL SURPRISE!!!! I was wrong. NOW I have to delete it (thank God we only creep each other and don’t actually follow each other on any social media so he can’t see my FB status’). In fact! That should have been my FIRST clue not to buy flowers and overshare…. (Wait. Should I have even deleted this POS!?) Wow this bear has me feeling all types of ways. This is traumatic. I need to find some weed and think about my life. Maybe fuck Bif. I don’t even know if I should bring him into this.
Ugh!!!! Time to go find one of those iceberg retreats. But every time I go on one I end up in a National Geographic photo about Global Warming- and I can’t take all that fame right now. *Flips invisible hair *Takes Ativan *Puts on Britney S’Bears “Lucky”
Little Known Fact
Founder, Beary Manilow, created Plenty of Seals Dating Service, as a seal delivery service for lazy Polar Bears who just didn’t want to get out of bed when it was too hot outside. Part of their mandate involved hiring super hot male polar bears to entice more females to use the service, however, that ploy didn’t work. Instead, the super hot male polar bears started to randomly sleep with the deeply caved gay male polar bears and word spread like frozen ice. Soon enough, Plenty of Seals had thousands upon thousands of applicants to become delivery men. Ever the opportunist, Beary Manilow saw the shift and pounced. With a few switches inside the software, the new dating app for gay polar bears was relaunched and became an instant success. And Beary Manilow became one of the first Arctic Tech Billionaires in the process.
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.