I woke up with the sun in my jail cell of a hostel after waiting ALL NIGHT for someone to come in and inhabit the bed next to mine. Every sound I heard woke me up and I was in the city so the tourists were getting hella rowdy off of BUCKETS of alcohol (that’s what they sell here. Fuck you Texas. Vietnam is the REAL go big or go home. Or should I say go BUG or go home since these motherfuckers call insects protein. I’ll probably eat one before I leave today. I better leave today. Anyway this side not is too long.)
I dove into the first Tuk Tuk I made eye contact with. He drove me ALL around the city even though I BEGGED him to take me to the islands. He agreed but probably didn’t know English then starts peddling me around to a massive gold buddha. Then a fruit stand. Then a place to try on suits. Then a fucking massage parlour. As I started showing my teeth and making threats with body language to overcompensate for the language barrier (fist in palm)… he dropped me off at a Tourism Agency. He waited outside for me.. which is good coz I’ve looped around Vietnam so much I don’t know where I am. And I think I’m sun stroked. Like a hangover with none of the fun.
I tell the extremely ESL booking agent that I want “Beach!” “Sun!” *draws it on a napkin.
She smiles, hugs me and then counts my money. As she counts another manager, this fucking Sloth Bear comes over to me and gives me the longest hug of my life. Why are bears such huggers here? I’ll tell you why. Because they’re scammers.
I’m Tuk Tuk’d off to a bear on a SCOOTER like a fucking CIRCUS and he has a helmet but I don’t. I hold TIGHT to this moon bear as we swerve- definitely illegally- to our next stop. He grabs my clasped paws from around his waist and PUTS IT ON HIS CROTCH right before we get there. I start punching the side of his head with the Helmet ON. He drops me off with his paws up saying something in Vietnamese but submitting me nonetheless.
After a SKETCHY FUCKING RIDE through the dirt roads on the country side I arrive in an air-con free cabin. The water has a low tide so there is no swimming or snorkelling. There’s a bug net to prevent Malaria and the shower in an outdoor hose. WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN, DIARY!? WILL I?
I’m warned by a local to avoid water or ice cubes, but to keep a bottle on me at all times so I don’t “pass out from dehydration”. I didn’t fucking plan for this OR the heat.
Now to find a sun turban. And a desert survival kit…
Little Known Fact
The TUK TUK is a three-wheel motorized rickshaw that was invented by a small Japanese Black Bear named Abeara Kurosawa, who also happened to be an acclaimed film director. His invention was built due to his necessity of finding a quick way to move his film equipment from location to location. Eventually, the TUK TUK caught on as a way to transport people, and many patent infringing Asian countries stole the design due to its low cost and high mileage per gas gallon. However, many North American Bears can’t properly fit inside because the TUK TUK was built for Asian Bears who are much smaller by nature.
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